Over the last three years, those who know me, know that all the research and coursework that I have done has been towards one aim – my MA thesis. When asked, I always spoke confidently of my research topic, and how I had been working towards this goal for the last three years – since the year that I had met my advisor – writing my first paper on Rational Choice Theory and the guild structure in EverQuest (wasn’t even that bad really!)
But as deadlines loom, with my coursework over and convocation around the corner (well in a few months, but convocation deadlines loom!), I realize .. I am coming to terms with all the people who told me that the MA thesis was an exercise in mental capacity – that freaking out was all part of the process and that it is meant to challenge what I thought I wanted out of all of this. That if it doesn’t do this, then … well… most had nothing left to say since in all their experiences (this coming from more than one seasoned academic veteran and a student or two) everyone goes through moments of self doubt. Even the most prepared student who thinks they have it all under control SHOULD face some sort of moment of reckoning – thats what it is all about. I thought I was above that … I thought I had prepared properly.
Well, to all those who have tried to tell me … I get it now… As a good friend (and my relative second advisor) said, its like when someone who hasn’t had children tells you what they WOULD do in terms of child rearing …. yup – as a mom of two, I can relate to that analogy. You never really know till you get there.
So I want to acknowledge that as I submit my first (incomplete) draft, sipping the last of my wine, I understand now. Thank you for being there through my arrogance. The pie is settling well.