Babbling Reflections As the semester winds down…
As the semester winds down (well, not really since i still have an exam and three fair sized papers left to write) I have been thinking about what I have put on my plate, and how I have been approaching/dealing with it.
I did not get an RA’ship this year because my prof wanted me to focus on my classes. But in true mother-overload fashion, in the absence of ‘extra’ work from my prof., I went on my own make work program, and decided to submit two abstracts for a conference coming up in june. The amount of work and research that went into the abstract alone was mountainous, and I must say, I am glad today is November 30th (the deadline for submissions).
But last night, when i was finishing the references for paper #1, which i am writting with a colleague, I almost gave up on my own abstract. I was faced with the fear of success. This is a topic i visited quite some time ago, here in this blog. I was scared to send in my abstract for the fear that it would get accepted. Now, at first, I tried to rationalize the fear saying that the conference was in June, papers, if accepted are to be in in April, and well, I am graduating this year, writting my honours thesis – would i really have time to write two papers on top of my class work? But then, after talking to a very good friend who is doing her ph.d, I realized my fear was not that i would mess up my coursework, but that if I was accepted, I had to put my money where my mouth was. I am reaching a point where my ideas have been contained within a small circle of colleagues. I have had the excuse that i am an undergraduate, and any more then what i am doing is not expected of me – and what i am doing is considered above and beyond my academic level. But as time passes, and I finish my BA, the day of truth (of sorts) approaches. I am applying for my MA for the fall, I am putting my work and ideas out to the international public (scarry i might add) and I am now working with people outside of my university. I think sometimes, that to apply and be rejected would be easier .. i could at least say i tried, and move on… but onto what?
I guess I am simply babbling on.. I have a great support network that have alot of faith in my ideas, I guess i should respect their opinion and go on to ‘own’ my ideas.. but no one told me it would be this intimidating!